Controlling behaviourControlling behaviour
All In The Mind
We all have a natural need for a sense of control in our lives – but the over-controlling kind can get out of hand. People with a psychopathic personality disorder are highly skilled in manipulative techniques – which can wreak havoc if you’re on the receiving end. But every-day controlling behaviour may be getting an unfair bad rap – and may be essential for our wellbeing.
29:05•25 Oct 2020
Control, Manipulation and Mental Health: When Holding On Goes Too Far
Episode Overview
- Psychopaths often use charm, lies and techniques like love bombing, gaslighting and selective feedback to gain power and keep others off-balance.
- A useful way to test everyday manipulation is to name it directly; someone with empathy will usually adjust, while a manipulator tends not to care.
- Learning to know yourself and your weak spots can act like an "immune system" against being targeted by controlling people.
- Control, understood as keeping things the way they are supposed to be, is a natural and essential part of physical, psychological and social health.
- Relationship and workplace tensions often stem from conflicting goals, and stepping back to identify and balance these goals can reduce distress and improve interactions.
“If you feel bad, it is bad. You owe yourself to feel good.”
Curious about how others manage their need for control without hurting themselves or the people around them? This episode of *All In The Mind* takes a clear-eyed look at controlling behaviour, from everyday habits to extreme manipulation and psychopathy. Host Lynne Malcolm speaks first with Swedish behavioural expert Thomas Eriksson, who explains how psychopathic personalities use control as a weapon.
He runs through tactics like love bombing, gaslighting and arbitrary positive or negative feedback, showing how they can leave someone confused, dependent and doubting their own reality. His own experience of being stalked by a woman who fabricated a relationship with him highlights just how convincing and dangerous such behaviour can be. As he puts it, “If you feel bad, it is bad. You owe yourself to feel good.” Eriksson also stresses that not all manipulation is psychopathic.
Many people push or persuade each other in small ways. The key test? Confront it. A person with a conscience will adjust; a true manipulator usually will not. The focus then shifts to clinical psychologist Professor Timothy Carey, who argues that control itself is essential to wellbeing. He defines control as “keeping things the way they are supposed to be”, from body temperature and bank accounts to friendships and marriages.
Problems arise when people try to control others instead of focusing on their own goals. Carey describes how conflicts in relationships and workplaces often stem from clashing goals, such as wanting to keep a job while also wanting to avoid bullying, or wanting to drink alcohol while also wanting a close, healthy partnership. His approach helps people step back, identify their deeper goals, and negotiate or adjust so that everyone can protect what matters most to them.
If control has ever felt like a dirty word or a dangerous force in your life, this episode might get you asking: what are you really trying to keep “the way it’s supposed to be”, and at what cost?
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