Imagine sitting down with someone whose work has fundamentally shifted your views on love, sex, and relationships. That's exactly what happens when Bowen Dwelle chats with Chris Ryan, the author of 'Sex at Dawn' and 'Civilized to Death'. In this episode of 'Brothers and Teachers', they dive into a candid discussion about identity, addiction, and the art of letting go. Chris Ryan isn't just an author; he's a thinker who challenges societal norms.

His books have cracked open many minds, including Bowen's. They first connected at a retreat in Montana, bonding over their shared interests in writing, van life, and hot springs. This conversation is a continuation of that connection, recorded in Chris's cozy office studio. They explore how addiction can hijack our learning processes and discuss the need for generosity in our lives. Chris shares his thoughts on what it means to be truly free and the importance of letting go.

They also touch on gender roles and the complexities of being human in today's world. The episode offers a raw and honest look into the lives of two individuals striving to become their best selves. It's a thought-provoking conversation that delves into deep topics like societal labels and the beauty of a hunter-gatherer lifestyle. If you're curious about the essence of humanity and personal growth, this episode is a must-listen.

Join Chris Ryan and Bowen Dwelle as they explore identity, addiction, and personal growth in a candid conversation on 'Brothers and Teachers'.

Chris Ryan on Identity and Letting Go: A Deep Dive with Bowen Dwelle

Today I'm speaking with Chris Ryan, author of Sex at Dawn, Civilized to Death and a very active Substack called as well as his long running podcast by the same name. I came across Sex at Dawn several years ago and that book has played a big part in cracking open my thinking about love, sex, and relationship, as it has for many many others. More recently, I took the opportunity to meet up with Chris at a retreat that he co-hosted in Montana, where we connected as fellow writers, van travelers, hot spring aficionados and former-but-not-current-users of psychedelic substances. Chris mentioned that he and his partner would be spending the winter in Crestone and invited me to stop by sometime, and so, just a couple of months later, I found myself recording this interview in his little office studio slash guest bedroom... and so... I think it's fair to say that I've been in bed with Chris Ryan.Especially since I'm working on building a third career as a writer, I really value Chris' life experience as a working artist who's met with some success—and as someone who embodies warmth, curiosity, irreverence, adventure, equanimity, poise, truth, and openness, just to name a few of the values that I see and share.I'm grateful to Chris and Anya for the invitation to visit with them in Crestone, and for his support of my efforts with this podcast and as a writer. As you listen, you might scan the questions at the bottom of the show notes, or consider just this one: is there anything about yourself that you have come out about—or that you haven't come out about, but could, or would like to embody more openly?In addition to all of my writing and podcast episodes, paid subscribers get super cool DECIDE NOTHING pins, access to occasional bonus and AMA posts and chats—and the opportunity to order a copy of my book when it comes out for just the cost of shipping. If you’re enjoying my writing and podcast and would like to see more episodes like this one, please consider <a target="_blank" href="https://decidenothing.substack.com/subscribe">becoming a paying subscriber</a>. Show NotesChanging the Relationship with Alcohol“The problem is the lack of problem.” I suggest that perhaps he “suffers from a lack of trauma.” He feels that he didn’t need to stop, but he “wanted to clearly know that I was in charge.” “It works well when the dog knows you’re the boss.” It’s not so much the question of whether there’s a “problem”—if you feel like changing, that’s reason enough. “A lot of people feel like it’s a failure to give up and let go of things that used to work…” Maia Szalavitz’s thesis in Unbroken Brain that there is no such thing as an “addictive personality,” and that addiction is a learning disorder. Stanton Peele’s book Love and Addiction. If you have a “hole in your psyche,” the problem isn’t the substance, it’s the hole. Learning to let go… to choose to close a chapter consciously, not as the result of some catastrophe, or of ‘hitting bottom.’ “If you let go, that's empowering—as opposed to having it ripped from your grasp…” “There's something powerful about letting go… There's power in conscious loss.” We have a culture of attachment… of attainment, of accumulation… When I choose to let go of things, I can look back and see the gold in the past. “Why would you want to carry around the ashes?” “If you don't put it down, then you can't up anything else.” I write about letting go in The Last Time. Relationships with other men, and with women, and how coming out is a form of “facing a fire.” “A lot of straight men are just f*****g boring.” “A lot of my closest male friends have been gay… Those relationships had an intensity and an openness that I rarely find with straight men” “Straight men are fragile.” “To be a gay man…means that you have faced a fire.” “They’ve been through the experience of saying ‘f**k it, I'm gonna be authentic.’” A lot of us remain untempered without some sort of defining challenge. Homosociality“I think there's a lot of homoerotic energy in this culture of masculinity.” “Vulnerability and courage are two expressions of the same thing.” <a target="_blank" href="https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Grayson+Perry">Grayson Perry</a>. David Buchbinder, Studying Men and Masculinities. <a target="_blank" href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/427379.Between_Men?from_search=true&#38;from_srp=true&#38;qid=P7jKJbhmiQ&#38;rank=3">Eve Sedgwick</a>. There is a continuum between <a target="_blank" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosociality">homosocialit</a>y and homosexuality. We have a need and a hunger for intimacy and affection that isn’t sexual. “One of the pleasures of watching sports is seeing this unrestrained expression of love and happiness…and joy with a group of men.” We experience homosocial contact—and being in our bodies—vicariously through sports. Dogs and Children “If I were living the way humans were designed to live…then kids and dogs are just part of the deal…” “I don't want to be locked into that b******t world by way of a kid…” It always seemed like kindof a bad deal to me. Seth Rogan: ‘If I don’t have kids, maybe I’ll feel bad about that for the two or three months just before I die… but if I do have kids, and it’s a mistake, I’m gonna feel bad about that for fifty years.” “You should never write a book unless you absolutely have to…and I think that way about kids. You shouldn't have kids unless you really really need to.” Grief Becomes a Constant “As I get older, grief becomes a constant. … In addition to those people that are gone, there’s also the potential lives that you aren’t gonna live". The “fantasy of what could happen in my life. You get older and it narrows.” There’s just not enough time to do everything. He doesn’t feel conflicted about kids… For me, “allowing myself to feel the grief is part of letting that go.” Chris says that, “I admire that…but I don’t envy it.” Choosing to not have children as a form of resistance to our current cultural and economic model of what it means to be a man. “Kids are like a clock on the wall” that help to keep track of how old we are… Identity and his own ‘Coming Out’When do you feel that you became the version of yourself that you are now? the “perfect embodiment of this self…it’s like two images that come over each other and there’s that moment that they line up perfectly…like an eclipse…” That feeling of “this is exactly where I need to be.” A moment of realization that “it was monogamy that was freaking me out…I didn’t understand that because I’d never conceived that there was any other possibility for a way to arrange a relationship…” that led to his own ‘coming out,’ as “not, by nature, monogamous,” and how taking that fork in the road tempered him. The challenge of choosing to honest with himself—and everyone else. LoveThe conflict of being forced to only love one person. Feeling love as a “closure.” “Its not about monogamy or non-monogamy, it’s about authenticity.” “People come to me for relationship advice… The only approach I advocate is authenticity and honesty and sincerity, and compassion for where your partner is coming from.” Love as a vehicle for growth and expansion. Generosity, Giving and Taking It’s about balance. “Energy flows through us.” Learning to accept from others… and learning to ask. “We feel weak because a muscle is growing.” Who’s giving, who’s getting, whose stuff is it… “The first forty years of my life was an inhalation, and somewhere around forty…was the beginning of an exhalation.” “You do own something to the celestial bank account…” “Not having kids means you’re able to be generous to a lot more people.” You can find Chris on Substack at and on the web at <a target="_blank" href="https://chrisryanphd.com">https://chrisryanphd.com</a>. Become a subscriber In addition to all of my writing and podcast episodes, paid subscribers get super cool DECIDE NOTHING pins, access to occasional bonus and AMA posts and chats—and the opportunity to order a copy of my book when it comes out for just the cost of shipping. If you’re enjoying my writing and podcast, please consider <a target="_blank" href="https://decidenothing.substack.com/subscribe">becoming a paying subscriber</a>.And/or buy a gift subscription for someone else:or just share this post with some folks that you love: Love reading? I do highly recommend joining me as a subscriber to Chris' Substack ... and you might enjoy some of my other writing on the subjects of <a target="_blank" href="https://decidenothing.substack.com/archive?sort=search&#38;search=alcohol">alcohol</a>, <a target="_blank" href="https://decidenothing.substack.com/archive?sort=search&#38;search=masculinity">masculinity</a>, <a target="_blank" href="https://decidenothing.substack.com/archive?sort=search&#38;search=identity">identity</a>, <a target="_blank" href="https://decidenothing.substack.com/archive?sort=search&#38;search=fatherhood">fatherhood</a>—especially The Man Pays and The Last Time. …as well as these books and other resources: Maia Szalavitz, Unbroken BrainStanton Peele, Love and Addiction. <a target="_blank" href="https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Grayson+Perry">Grayson Perry</a> on Youtube. David Buchbinder, Studying Men and Masculinities. Eve Sedgwick, Between Men: English Literature and Male Homosocial Desire. <a target="_blank" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWmJpaubQFw">Seth Rogan on not having kids</a><a target="_blank" href="https://www.toronado.com">Toronado SF</a>I’ve got some questions for you…* What is your own relationship with alcohol, and how has that changed over time? Is there anything about that relationship that you’re aware of wanting to change? * How do your own relationships with other men, or women, play into your relationships with women, or men, or whichever? * Is there anything about yourself that you have come out about—or that you you haven't, but could, or would like to embody more openly? What has that coming out done for you—or, what could it do for you? * Do you have kids? How did you end up as a parent, or not? What has that been like for you? * Is there anything that you have consciously given up—and what was that experience like? * And… what would you have asked Chris in an interview? Happy New Year from San FranciscoAnd finally, please don’t forget to let me know that you enjoyed this piece by mashing that cute little red heart ❤️down below ↓ Get full access to DECIDE NOTHING at <a href="https://bowendwelle.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&#38;utm_campaign=CTA_4">bowendwelle.substack.com/subscribe</a>

E13 / Coming Out and Letting Go with Chris Ryan

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This show is a series of conversations with and about people who embody positive presence, talking about identity, addiction, depression, adventure, intuition, love, relationships, gender, sexuality—and becoming ourselves as much as possible. It's also an effort to honor people who who have been teachers, who I love and respect, and who I want to get to know more deeply. In short, a way to highlight people doing and being good in the world. <a href="https://bowendwelle.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast">bowendwelle.substack.com</a>

Brothers and Teachers

Imagine sitting down with someone whose work has fundamentally shifted your views on love, sex, and relationships. That's exactly what happens when Bowen Dwelle chats with Chris Ryan, the author of 'Sex at Dawn' and 'Civilized to Death'. In this episode of 'Brothers and Teachers', they dive into a candid discussion about identity, addiction, and the art of letting go. Chris Ryan isn't just an author; he's a thinker who challenges societal norms.His books have cracked open many minds, including Bowen's. They first connected at a retreat in Montana, bonding over their shared interests in writing, van life, and hot springs. This conversation is a continuation of that connection, recorded in Chris's cozy office studio. They explore how addiction can hijack our learning processes and discuss the need for generosity in our lives. Chris shares his thoughts on what it means to be truly free and the importance of letting go.They also touch on gender roles and the complexities of being human in today's world. The episode offers a raw and honest look into the lives of two individuals striving to become their best selves. It's a thought-provoking conversation that delves into deep topics like societal labels and the beauty of a hunter-gatherer lifestyle. If you're curious about the essence of humanity and personal growth, this episode is a must-listen.

Bowen Dwelle

Chris Ryan and Bowen Dwelle

E13 / Coming Out and Letting Go with Chris Ryan

E13 / Coming Out and Letting Go with Chris Ryan

E13 / Coming Out and Letting Go with Chris Ryan

Monday 26th December 2022

About this podcast

Brothers and Teachers

Chris Ryan on Identity and Letting Go: A Deep Dive with Bowen Dwelle