I'm shocked, you know, but he was so hot. And it's because I don't have any evidence of god dependent life. I have to rely on Judy and a who says she's been sober for Years. However, all this resentment, all this fear all the way, all this tornado of who I am has blocked off the connection from my head to my heart and my life's become unmanageable, and I'm scared and there's a lot to be afraid of.